No amount of bourbon, pills or counseling can calm this kind of anxiety. Not when the future of our nation, state and city is on the line. 

We’ll soon know who our next president will be, our lawmakers, our mayor. By Tuesday night, we’ll be cheering victories or crying over concession speeches. Maybe both.

Polls are split. Political commentators disagree. There’s really no way to know in advance who will win the close races this election. 

So we asked Civil Beat‘s Magic 8 Ball to give us some guidance, and hopefully some comfort. We conducted a very scientific question-and-answer session, working our way down the ballot with no re-dos if we didn’t like the result.

Here’s what M8B, as I call it, had to say:

CB: Will Mazie Hirono win the U.S. Senate race against Linda Lingle? 

M8B: Concentrate and ask again.

CB (eyes closed, mind focused): Will Mazie Hirono win the U.S. Senate race against Linda Lingle? 

M8B: Ask again later. 

CB: Will Colleen Hanabusa win the 1st Congressional District race against Charles Djou?

M8B: Better not tell you now.

CB: Will Tulsi Gabbard win the 2nd Congressional District race against Kawika Crowley?

M8B: It is certain.

CB: Will Kirk Caldwell win the Honolulu mayoral race against Ben Cayetano?

M8B: As I see it, yes.

CB: Will Keith Kaneshiro win the Honolulu city prosecutor’s race against Kevin Takata?

M8B: Without a doubt.

CB: Will Barack Obama win the U.S. presidential race against Mitt Romney?

M8B: Could not predict now.

Well, thanks for nothing Magic 8 Ball. Looks like I won’t be sleeping after all.

— Nathan Eagle